The new car

So, my dad is a mechanic. I grew up fixing cars and know more than I care to about them. I rarely share this information because I actually hate fixing cars. Therefore, the cars I have always owned have been old and cheap and really only die when I neglect them. So driving around two cars from 1993 is not really that big of a deal for me. Recently our Ford Explorer started acting up. It leaks oil. I know where the oil leak is, the oil pan. The first step verbatim out of the repair manual for this is 1)remove engine. So, that leak has been around awhile. The next leak is water. That one was slow and so a bit harder to detect... Until it got big and I (actually my brother while borrowing the car) figured out that the water pump was busted. Unfortunately, I think I ran the car a bit too long without water and damaged something a bit more severe internally (which is how I killed my Trans Am 5 years ago too by the way). So, I alerted my wife that we will need a replacement vehicle fairly soon, as I can milk this one for awhile but doubt it will make it through the year.

So we decided on to take advantage of Labor day sales and just go buy a replacement vehicle. Knowing that trading a car can knock off some money we decide to drive the Explorer up to Sioux Falls (an hour away). We jump in the car with Rachel worried if we will make it. I tell her that it is missing and so the faster you go the less of an issue it is. "We can make it just fine." We are driving on the highway out to the interstate when I realize that the car doesn't want to go 75 anymore. The speedometer drops to 70, then 65 then 60. The car is not stalled mind you, so I think well maybe I had better ease off on the old girl. So I drop it down to 55, but then she keeps dropping to 50. We are about a 1/4 mile from a gas station so I do a quick physics problem in my head and decide we can make it there. "If you are driving a crappy car that mysteriously reduces it's velocity by 5mph every ten seconds how far can you travel before you have to abandon the vehicle on the side of the road?"

Luckily we made it. I cruised to a gas pump in the vein hope that it had prematurely run out of gas. No luck. So here we are stranded at a gas station with our kids at home with a baby sitter starting off a sweet day of shopping. I think, no worries let's just call a friend to pick us up. Of course it is Labor Day weekend so many of our friends are out of town! I remembered getting an email from a friend at work though asking me to do him a favor. So I called up Dr. Dixon and said, "I will gladly do you that favor if you will do me one right now?" So, he came to pick us up while I combined his PDFs using the laptop I brought with me and the gas station's
wifi. After pushing the car to a safe place, calling to arrange a donation pickup, and borrowing a friend's car, we then began our day of car shopping!

We first went to the Honda dealership. We actually had test driven a bunch of cars the previous weekend but no Hondas. We told the guy what we wanted. He moved us quickly to the used car section of the lot because there were only like two new accords on the lot and 20 used ones. After driving a couple, we found a used one that we liked and were driving back when Rachel asked about a new accord sitting in the lot. The sales guy knew nothing about them (didn't even know it was a 2012) but was more than willing to show us. It had everything we wanted and was basically the same price as the car we were driving. That says a lot for Honda resale! The guy told me that they don't play games here and that the owner gives money to charity so he is a good guy. My read on that was, I am playing a game and my first move is to say that I don't play games and if you decide to play games you will be stealing money that would otherwise go to suffering children. Once we ran the numbers though, I saw that the price was pretty close to invoice (thanks to an iphone app) and then he knocked off a thousand dollars. A chink in his armor, clearly he does play games. So, since this is Rachel's car I had little investment in what we got but more so just wanted to play. So, we told the sales guy that we needed to drive a Camry again and eat lunch before making a decision. He was genuinely worried that he was going to lose his sale because that was 1/2 2012 cars on the lot and someone else could very well buy it while we were gone. As happened with a 2011 we saw earlier. So he let us just take the car to lunch. There is a sweet feeling of getting behind the wheel of a car that just has 10 miles on it. Perhaps because it is such a a rare event in my life. So we drive the 2012 Honda Accord to the Toyota dealership. I am thinking with this move alone we should get a good price on a Camry. We check out several Camrys and they are really the same car as far as I can tell. Rachel cannot decide, but I know deep down she has always wanted a Honda. Probably some touching commercial she watched in her youth resonates in her unconscious. The Toyota guy gives us time to talk. Which means Rachel calls someone else (usually her sister or sister in law). I then take that opportunity to use the restroom. While in the restroom I have the notion that Rachel will choose Honda so while I still have an upper hand I call Honda in the bathroom and tell him if he will knock off another $500 I will come back and buy the car. In retrospect, I should have asked for $1000... He said he would check, and said if he could do it I promised to come back and buy the car (because I am basically stealing from charity). I swore to him I would, having no idea if Rachel would suddenly say "I gotta feeling" and choose toyota. We meet up again and the Toyota guy makes no offer to reduce his price after several prompts by me that this is purely a financial decision at this point. I then remember him saying that he worked Internet sales and therefore got no bonus incentives from salesroom sales. So, the end strategy was clear and back we went to get our new Honda!

It was quite fun, and I cannot wait until Rachel starts working and I can do it again to replace the 1993 Altima. In the meantime, I will have to adjust the zip tie holding up the rear window because it has slipped down a bit...




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To my Uncle Andrew

It is always hard to say goodbye to someone who means so much to you. Ever since my dad told me of your passing last week, I have dealt with it by not dealing with it. Actually not even thinking about it. It is just too damn hard. It is pretty easy for me to get distracted by the myriad of tasks that inundate my life. Yet, at times I just cannot avoid it and begin to break down. You have influenced me in so many ways though, that try as I might, I cannot avoid thinking about you. So this is my way of beginning the grieving. I think it is always best to share the memories with others. I post this publicly because I am sure that there are many who know me well, but have no idea who you are, or what impact you have had on my life. So I share it here... It is amazing how little I have spoke to you in the past 15 years, but how much I would think of you and how much you have influenced my life.

As a child, I spent most of my time at your house watching grandma threaten you with that wooden spoon. I knew that most kids didn't stay at their grandma's house because their parents both worked long hours, but I loved it there so I never really minded at all. You know that since you were only 8 years older than me, you were in nearly every way like my older brother. You took so much pride in teaching me how to do everything from eating my cereal to tying my shoes. Strange that I can remember these events, but I do and so many others. Those are the simple things that one doesn't think about in your day to day life, but clearly shows how close we were.

Beyond these early childhood memories, I remember incessantly playing board games with you. (To those that know me, I rarely lose at strategic games- and this is a skill I learned from Andrew.) I'll never forget how in a game of Risk you and I took out several other players in a masterful game. It was clearly going to go down to you and me, but in a complete betrayal you broke our treaty without warning and finished me off in a single move. The best part is that you did it with a smile. No hard feelings, just the game Jake. That is where I learned about having a killer instinct, but pulling it off with charm. Fuck you for ambushing me again by dying so young Andrew, especially because I know I could take your ass at Risk now.

As an 8 year old, I took over your paper route. I had to be 10 to officially be a paper boy, so I took over your route and just kept it in your name. I remember still you teaching me on the perfect techniques for folding a paper, the correct angles for throwing the paper, even how to shoot a rubber band with the deadliest force. (Ha, you also taught me how to steal a newspaper out of a vending machine, and how to get a parking meter loaded with time using only my shoe.) I realize now that much of my teaching skills come from you. Always trying to discover the best and most efficient way, and teaching it to others. That was you, and that is me.

Later, I spent many years working at my dad's automotive repair shop. You managed the shop at the time and I worked there after school and during the summers. You taught me the basics of course, but much more importantly you taught me how to solve problems. I remember you once telling me that a car needed a water pump replaced. I asked you how to do it, and you merely pointed at it. "There it is... take it out and put the new one in." That was it. You knew I had watched you do it several times. You had trained me on how to organize parts as they are taken off. I had been taught the component lessons, now I had to just put it all together. And so I did. I did it wrong of course, and had to pull it all off again. Then put it back together again, and then I forgot something else. And then I did it again. It took me 12 hours for a 2 hour job, but I learned. I learned not just how to replace a water pump, but I learned that I could pretty much figure out anything if I put my mind to it. Fuck me if I didn't end up getting a PhD doing the exact same process. There was no way I should have been able to do half the things I was doing at that shop. Thinking back to how much trust you put in me, how much you pushed me to solve problems creatively and all the while doing it in a context of fun. As I advise students now, I see so much of your method in me. Much of who I am as an advisor and a scientist was fostered early by you. I never told you that, but clearly I should have- just never expected you to go so soon...

The last time I spoke with you was last year when I called you about our family tree. You sounded great and were so excited about your daughter Janice getting married. I laughed when you invited me to the wedding right then and there without even talking to Janice... I am obviously regretting not going now, but I am so glad I called you and got to speak with you for awhile.

I think the hardest death I have experienced in my life was grandma, but yours is easily the second. I loved you both so dearly and will always think back to the days when I was hanging out there as a kid, just laughing and having fun with the both of you. I hope you are both having fun now. You both really have such a similar spirit of love and ease about life. I really have been blessed in my life to be surrounded by so much love. I can only hope that when my time comes I will have influenced folks in the same way.

I cried today listening to a Dead Kennedy's song. While that sounds weird, there are at least a few people in the world that remember your beloved car with the word Buzzbomb spray painted on the side of it. What a piece of crap car that was. I still cry occasionally thinking about grandma and she died in 1994. I am sure it will be the same with you. Do you remember when she passed I created a jar with keepsakes to remember her by? At the top is a handkerchief that I wept on at her funeral. I am weeping on it now as I write this. I will bring it with me to your funeral this weekend as well. Something to keep that I can share with my own boys years from now about those that helped make me into the person I am today. Thank you for being my closest friend all those years. Thank you for being that older brother I never had. Thank you for your mentoring and your protection and your love.

I love you man and I will miss you dearly. When my time comes, I hope you have a Rosa's burrito on the table waiting for me. Maybe then we can catch up on all we have missed out on in each others lives, or maybe we'll just go to the track to bet on horses. Until then...

Your favorite nephew,
Jake

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The Perfect Storm

So, it has been awhile since my last post. Plenty has happened, I just have not been posting... The last 12 hours is too good to pass up though.

Of course it begins with Rachel being away on a trip. I brag to everyone how I can easily handle it all, and so am just begging the fates to throw me a curveball.

Midnight, last night, it arrives. I hear Lucas crying and so I get up to comfort him and put him back to bed. I meet him in the front room, where he is vomiting all over our carpet. Sweet. A nice dark brown against our nearly white carpet with nice chunks of fruit snacks littered about. Awesome. So, I direct him to the bathroom to finish his wreching and proceed to cleanup mode. It is not faring well for me. At that point, Lucas informs me that he also threw up in his bed. So we walk downstairs looking for a trail of vomit and much to my relief there seems to be no other spots... until... I reach his bed. I would have snapped a photo except for the fact that it would have I am certain made you vomit right on your keyboard. There was a huge pool of vomit on his bed. Another huge pool of vomit on the floor on one side of his bed, and a modest pool of vomit on the other side. Lovely. I am relieved that I can at least just grab all the bedding and scoop it up, I then try to meet the challenge of sopping up the floor. I proudly did not vomit myself- but given that cleaning is not one of my gifts, there is still the mark of the beast all over that room. After sopping up most of the wet mess, it actually required me to vacuum up the bits of chips and fruit snacks the were all over. After about an hour of cleaning, I finally gave up and went to bed. Lucas was in my bed, and I was hoping beyond hope that he wouldn't throw up in the bed. And... he didn't!

Cue next morning, the normal hustle and bustle but being a man down was not helping matters. Lucas says he has to go to the bathroom and bam Montazuma's revenge. So, normally a parent would use these signs as a cue to not send your child to school. I have to lecture today though, and have no backup for childcare. I clearly cannot send him to day care because he is sick, but he'll be fine at school- right? Once I do the enviable task of wiping him, I let him know the great secret of loose stool- "Lucas, if you feel like you have to fart... don't!" 15 minutes later, I am dressed and ready as is Lucas... Ben not so much. Lucas doesn't look right. I ask him "Lucas, are you ok?" "I don't want to tell you" is his reply. Apparently, he did not heed my advice, and crapped his pants. So, I take him to the bathroom and carefully pull off his poo soaked tightie whities when he freaks out and flails a leg. That sprays poop soup all over the floor and his socks and legs. I throw his underwear in the toilet to wash off the slop and then proceed to wipe him again. I wipe and wipe and wipe and then decide I had better flush the toilet before it gets clogged with TP. The second I pull the handle I remember that his underwear are in the pot! Too late... plugged up. So with crap all over everywhere, I am forced to reach into the bowl of fun and feel the underwear with the tips of my fingers way up the pipe. After a couple minutes of slight tugging I finally manage to free the courageous pair of underwear and then commence the quick cleaning. We are scheduled to leave in 5 minutes.

In a mad rush, I get things manageably clean while then demanding Ben to get dressed (this was the fifth time I told him). He said no for the last time, and I totally lost it on him for his oppositional behavior. I undressed him and dressed him without a fight, I think because he didn't want to chance being physically harmed. Checking the clock, and seeing we were only a few minutes behind, I thought we just might make it after all. Barring one incident where Ben slammed Lucas' hand in the door, we made it to the truck and were on our way. I glanced back in the rear view mirror and saw a completely exhausted and sickly child and realized that there was no way I could leave him at school. If he crapped his pants at school, it would just be a total nightmare for everyone. So, I dropped Ben off and headed back home. After a quick nap on the couch Lucas was feeling better and I took him to class with me. Aptly, it was disease ecology so I got to use him as a prop for how sickness can alter an individual's normal behavior. He played with my iPad the entire lecture- so he actually fit right in with the other students...

We are home now and he is sacked out on the couch. I am still trying to figure out how to remove vomit stains and hoping that another crapping spell does not rear its ugly... well rear.

Lucas finally out...




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