It is always hard to say goodbye to someone who means so much to you. Ever since my dad told me of your passing last week, I have dealt with it by not dealing with it. Actually not even thinking about it. It is just too damn hard. It is pretty easy for me to get distracted by the myriad of tasks that inundate my life. Yet, at times I just cannot avoid it and begin to break down. You have influenced me in so many ways though, that try as I might, I cannot avoid thinking about you. So this is my way of beginning the grieving. I think it is always best to share the memories with others. I post this publicly because I am sure that there are many who know me well, but have no idea who you are, or what impact you have had on my life. So I share it here... It is amazing how little I have spoke to you in the past 15 years, but how much I would think of you and how much you have influenced my life.
As a child, I spent most of my time at your house watching grandma threaten you with that wooden spoon. I knew that most kids didn't stay at their grandma's house because their parents both worked long hours, but I loved it there so I never really minded at all. You know that since you were only 8 years older than me, you were in nearly every way like my older brother. You took so much pride in teaching me how to do everything from eating my cereal to tying my shoes. Strange that I can remember these events, but I do and so many others. Those are the simple things that one doesn't think about in your day to day life, but clearly shows how close we were.
Beyond these early childhood memories, I remember incessantly playing board games with you. (To those that know me, I rarely lose at strategic games- and this is a skill I learned from Andrew.) I'll never forget how in a game of Risk you and I took out several other players in a masterful game. It was clearly going to go down to you and me, but in a complete betrayal you broke our treaty without warning and finished me off in a single move. The best part is that you did it with a smile. No hard feelings, just the game Jake. That is where I learned about having a killer instinct, but pulling it off with charm. Fuck you for ambushing me again by dying so young Andrew, especially because I know I could take your ass at Risk now.
As an 8 year old, I took over your paper route. I had to be 10 to officially be a paper boy, so I took over your route and just kept it in your name. I remember still you teaching me on the perfect techniques for folding a paper, the correct angles for throwing the paper, even how to shoot a rubber band with the deadliest force. (Ha, you also taught me how to steal a newspaper out of a vending machine, and how to get a parking meter loaded with time using only my shoe.) I realize now that much of my teaching skills come from you. Always trying to discover the best and most efficient way, and teaching it to others. That was you, and that is me.
Later, I spent many years working at my dad's automotive repair shop. You managed the shop at the time and I worked there after school and during the summers. You taught me the basics of course, but much more importantly you taught me how to solve problems. I remember you once telling me that a car needed a water pump replaced. I asked you how to do it, and you merely pointed at it. "There it is... take it out and put the new one in." That was it. You knew I had watched you do it several times. You had trained me on how to organize parts as they are taken off. I had been taught the component lessons, now I had to just put it all together. And so I did. I did it wrong of course, and had to pull it all off again. Then put it back together again, and then I forgot something else. And then I did it again. It took me 12 hours for a 2 hour job, but I learned. I learned not just how to replace a water pump, but I learned that I could pretty much figure out anything if I put my mind to it. Fuck me if I didn't end up getting a PhD doing the exact same process. There was no way I should have been able to do half the things I was doing at that shop. Thinking back to how much trust you put in me, how much you pushed me to solve problems creatively and all the while doing it in a context of fun. As I advise students now, I see so much of your method in me. Much of who I am as an advisor and a scientist was fostered early by you. I never told you that, but clearly I should have- just never expected you to go so soon...
The last time I spoke with you was last year when I called you about our family tree. You sounded great and were so excited about your daughter Janice getting married. I laughed when you invited me to the wedding right then and there without even talking to Janice... I am obviously regretting not going now, but I am so glad I called you and got to speak with you for awhile.
I think the hardest death I have experienced in my life was grandma, but yours is easily the second. I loved you both so dearly and will always think back to the days when I was hanging out there as a kid, just laughing and having fun with the both of you. I hope you are both having fun now. You both really have such a similar spirit of love and ease about life. I really have been blessed in my life to be surrounded by so much love. I can only hope that when my time comes I will have influenced folks in the same way.
I cried today listening to a Dead Kennedy's song. While that sounds weird, there are at least a few people in the world that remember your beloved car with the word Buzzbomb spray painted on the side of it. What a piece of crap car that was. I still cry occasionally thinking about grandma and she died in 1994. I am sure it will be the same with you. Do you remember when she passed I created a jar with keepsakes to remember her by? At the top is a handkerchief that I wept on at her funeral. I am weeping on it now as I write this. I will bring it with me to your funeral this weekend as well. Something to keep that I can share with my own boys years from now about those that helped make me into the person I am today. Thank you for being my closest friend all those years. Thank you for being that older brother I never had. Thank you for your mentoring and your protection and your love.
I love you man and I will miss you dearly. When my time comes, I hope you have a Rosa's burrito on the table waiting for me. Maybe then we can catch up on all we have missed out on in each others lives, or maybe we'll just go to the track to bet on horses. Until then...
Your favorite nephew,
Jake
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